Iron Rules of Tomassi

I. Frame is everything

“Frame is everything. Always be aware of the subconscious balance of whose frame in which you are operating. Always control the Frame, but resist giving the impression that you are.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #1 revolves around the concept of "frame," which refers to the subconscious personal narrative that influences a person's decisions, beliefs, and actions. In the context of inter-gender relationships, frame sets the environment in which partners interact. Either one is operating in their own frame or their partner's. Frame is not synonymous with power or interest level.

Establishing a healthy male frame is vital for long-term relationships (LTRs). If a man fails to provide frame security, a woman may seek to provide it for herself, resulting in an imbalance of power. To ensure a healthy relationship, a man should establish his frame as the foundation before any formal commitment.

Frame is fluid and can be influenced by various factors. However, even strong, independent women crave a man who can establish his frame in their lives, as it contributes to a healthy balance. Ultimately, in a monogamous relationship, one partner will enter the other's reality, and establishing the right frame is crucial for the relationship's success.

II. Never reveal your notch count

“Never, under pain of death, honestly or dishonestly reveal the number of women you’ve slept with or explain any detail of your sexual experiences with them to a current lover.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #2 states that a man should never reveal the number of women he has slept with or share details of past sexual experiences with a current partner. Providing this information can lead to resentment, emotional blackmail, or insecurity in the relationship. If asked about one's sexual history, a man should covertly sidestep the question, maintaining a sense of mystery and challenge. Being honest about one's limited sexual experience may seem harmless, but it can create competition anxiety and relinquish control of the relationship's frame to the partner. Revealing this information also gives the partner ammunition for future arguments, leading to comparisons and doubts about the relationship. This rule emphasizes the importance of maintaining ambiguity and discretion about one's past to foster a healthy relationship.

III. The sex is never worth the wait

"Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3 states that if a woman makes you wait for sex or implies that she's making you wait, the sex will never be worth the wait. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated, and sex should be a spontaneous reaction rather than a negotiation. If a woman truly desires you, she will find a way to have sex with you without making you wait. Waiting for sex does not build rapport, and overtly agreeing to wait for sex is anti-seductive. Remember that sex is inherently uncomfortable and passionate, fueled by urgency and anxiety, and genuine passion should be uncontrollable. If a woman sets preconditions for sex, it means that those preconditions are more important to her than having passionate sex with you. In such cases, it's better to move on to other potential partners.

IV. No shacking up before marriage

“Never under any circumstance live with a woman you aren’t married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4 states that one should never live with a woman they are not married to or planning to marry within six months. Living together without marriage can lead to a loss of freedom, anonymity, and legal responsibilities similar to marriage. Additionally, cohabiting often results in a decrease in sexual availability and desire due to reduced competition anxiety. Many men choose to live with their girlfriends for financial reasons or convenience, but this arrangement can lead to complacency and loss of options in the long run. It is better to maintain independence and enjoy the flexibility and opportunities that come with living separately.

V. Don't rely on her for birth control

“Never allow a woman to be in control of the birth.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #5 states that men should never allow a woman to be in control of birth control. Men have limited contraceptive options, making it crucial for them to take responsibility for using protection. Accidental pregnancies can lead to life-long consequences, and men should be cautious, even in long-term relationships. The sexual revolution and availability of various birth control methods have not decreased single motherhood or abortion rates, highlighting the importance of men taking control of contraception. The responsibility of using protection during intercourse should not solely rely on women, as the outcome can have significant consequences for both parties.

VI. Women and men love differently

“Women are fundamentally incapable of loving a man in the way that a man expects to be loved by a woman.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #6 states that women are incapable of loving men in the way that men expect to be loved. Men often have an idealized notion of love, but women cannot actualize this ideal due to their nature and hypergamy. Confronting this reality can be difficult for men who cling to an idealized, Disneyesque concept of love. It is healthier for men to accept this impossibility and adapt their expectations of love accordingly. Women are not incapable of love, but their love is defined differently and influenced by their hypergamy. Long-term relationships can succeed when men understand and accept this difference in the way women love.

VII. Spend your time creating new relationships, not digging through the trash

“It is always time and effort better spent developing relations with new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 advises against trying to reconstruct a failed relationship. Rekindling an old relationship will always be tainted by the issues that led to the breakup, and it is impossible to promise that these issues won't resurface. Healthy relationships are based on genuine mutual desire, not on negotiated terms and obligations, which are inevitable in any post-breakup relationship. Instead, focus on developing new connections with fresh prospects rather than dwelling on past relationships.

VIII. Always let a woman figure out why she won’t fuck you, never do it for her

“Always let a woman figure out why she won’t fuck you, never do it for her.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #8 states that one should never define the reasons for a woman's lack of interest but instead, let her figure it out. Personality is malleable, constantly changing, and affected by circumstances. The "just be yourself" (JBY) dynamic is a social convention that aids hypergamy, reinforcing women as the primary sexual selectors. Altering one's personality is not disingenuous, as change can be genuine and beneficial. Forge a new identity and take control of your own image, incorporating dramatic devices to enhance your power and create a larger-than-life character.

IX. Never self-deprecate

Never seriously self-deprecate with a woman you intend to be intimate with.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #9 states that one should never self-deprecate under any circumstance, as it is detrimental to one's confidence and attractiveness. Self-deprecation is different from being able to laugh at oneself in good faith, which can actually endear a person to others. Recognizing weaknesses and admitting faults is important, but self-deprecation should be avoided. Instead, adopt an attitude of constant improvement, which fosters confidence and projects ambition, rather than seeking sympathy or pity.