Breaking Free Activities

These are activities suggested by Dr. Robert Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy. The goal is to, through these activities, create a path from "Nice Guy" to "Integrated Male"

Breaking Free Activity #1 - Three Safe People

Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the internet you can search for 12-step groups or support groups.

Breaking Free Activity #2 - Unveiling Motivations

Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?

Breaking Free Activity #3 - Uncovering Childhood Messages

It is impossible to cover every factor that might cause a young boy to try to hide his perceived flaws and seek approval from others. I don’t believe it is essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them feel unsafe or bad. But I have found that some understanding of where a life script originated is helpful in changing that script. Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these stories are similar to your own childhood experiences. On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn’t OK for you to be who you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well. The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was not a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and help you change your Nice Guy script.

Breaking Free Activity #4 - Attachments for Approval Seeking

I’ve taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the members about the attachments they use to try to get external approval. The following are just a few of the responses. Look over the list. Note any of the ways in which you seek approval. Add to the list any behaviors that are uniquely you. Write down examples of each. Ask others for feedback about the ways in which they see you seeking approval.

• Having one’s hair just right.

• Being smart.

• Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice.

• Looking unselfish.

• Being different from other men.

• Staying sober.

• Being in good shape.

• Being a great dancer.

• Being a good lover.

• Never getting angry.

• Making other people happy.

• Being a good worker.

• Having a clean car.

• Dressing well.

• Being nice.

• Respecting women.

• Never offending anyone.

• Looking like a good father

Breaking Free Activity #5 - Living Without External Validation

If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently? If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex be different?