Breaking Free Activities

These are activities suggested by Dr. Robert Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy. The goal is to, through these activities, create a path from "Nice Guy" to "Integrated Male"

Breaking Free: Activity #1 - Three Safe People

Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the internet you can search for 12-step groups or support groups.

Breaking Free: Activity #2 - Unveiling Motivations

Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?

Breaking Free: Activity #3 - Uncovering Childhood Messages

It is impossible to cover every factor that might cause a young boy to try to hide his perceived flaws and seek approval from others. I don’t believe it is essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them feel unsafe or bad. But I have found that some understanding of where a life script originated is helpful in changing that script. Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these stories are similar to your own childhood experiences. On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn’t OK for you to be who you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well. The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was not a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and help you change your Nice Guy script.

Breaking Free: Activity #4 - Attachments for Approval Seeking

I’ve taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the members about the attachments they use to try to get external approval. The following are just a few of the responses. Look over the list. Note any of the ways in which you seek approval. Add to the list any behaviors that are uniquely you. Write down examples of each. Ask others for feedback about the ways in which they see you seeking approval.

• Having one’s hair just right.

• Being smart.

• Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice.

• Looking unselfish.

• Being different from other men.

• Staying sober.

• Being in good shape.

• Being a great dancer.

• Being a good lover.

• Never getting angry.

• Making other people happy.

• Being a good worker.

• Having a clean car.

• Dressing well.

• Being nice.

• Respecting women.

• Never offending anyone.

• Looking like a good father

Breaking Free: Activity #5 - Living Without External Validation

If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently? If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex be different?

Breaking Free: Activity #6 - Hiding Your Flaws

Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. How effective do you think you are in keeping these things hidden from the people you love?

Breaking Free: Activity #7 - Embracing Imperfection

Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you? How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you — no matter what?

Breaking Free: Activity #8 - Addressing Attention Seeking

Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following:

1. Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval.

2. Consciously do more of this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation.

Breaking Free: Activity #9 - Doing Good for Yourself

● Exercise, work out, go for a walk.

● Eat healthy food.

● Get enough sleep.

● Relax, play, goof off.

● Get a massage.

● Go out with buddies.

● Buy a new pair of shoes.

● Get shoes polished.

● Get dental work done.

● Get a physical.

● Listen to music.

Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself.

Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself.

Breaking Free: Activity #10 - Positive Affirmations

Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.

The following are some possible affirmations:

• “I am lovable just as I am.”

• “I am perfectly imperfect.”

• “My needs are important.”

• “I am a strong and powerful person.”

• “I can handle it.”

• “People love and accept me just as I am.”

• “It is OK to be human and make mistakes.”

• “I am the only person I have to please.”

Breaking Free: Activity #11 - Getaway

Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible.

Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal. Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises.

When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.

Breaking Free: Activity #12 - Needs

Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs?

Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs?

Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?

Breaking Free: Activity #13 - Covert Contracts

Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other.

What do you give? What do you expect in return?

Share this information with the other person.

Ask the person how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda.

Breaking Free: Activity #14 - Caretaking

Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week:

1. Go on a caretaking moratorium. Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely (except to young, dependent children). Tell people what you are doing so they won’t be confused. Observe your feelings and other people’s reactions.

2. Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to create awareness of your caretaking behavior. Pay attention to how you feel and how other people react to you.

Breaking Free: Activity #15 - ...and Emotional Pukes

It can be difficult to make a direct link between your caretaking behavior and the emotional pukes which inevitably follow. Observe the ways you hurt the people you love.

• Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful “jokes”?

• Do you embarrass them in public?

• Are you frequently late?

• Do you “forget” things they’ve asked you to do?

• Do you criticize them?

• Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave?

• Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them?

Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and emotional pukes. This information may be hard to hear and may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking out of the victim triangle.

Breaking Free: Activity #16 - Put Yourself First

Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing.

Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns.

At the end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself first. Remember, you don’t have to do it perfectly. Just do it.

Breaking Free: Activity #17 - Smoothing It Over

Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth, problem-free life.

Write down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood.

Then, next to each, give an example of how you use this strategy to try to control your world in adulthood.

Note how each of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe person.

• Doing it right.

• Playing it safe.

• Anticipating and fixing.

• Trying not to rock the boat.

• Being charming and helpful.

• Never being a moment’s problem.

• Using covert contracts.

• Controlling and manipulating.

• Caretaking and pleasing.

• Withholding information.

• Repressing feelings.

• Making sure other people don’t have feelings.

• Avoiding problems and difficult situations.

Breaking Free: Activity #18 - Gifts in Disguise

Think about one “gift” from the universe, which you initially resisted but can now be seen as a positive stimulus for growth or discovery. Are there any similar gifts in your life right now to which you need to surrender? Share this information with a safe person.

Breaking Free: Activity #19 - Frustration or Projection

Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from the situation.

Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to believe onto it?

If you had to accept the reality of this situation, how might you change your response to it?

Breaking Free: Activity #20 - Take Responsibility for Your Feelings

Some guidelines about expressing feelings.

• Don’t focus on the other person, “You are making me mad.” Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: “I am feeling angry.”

• Don’t use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in “I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me.” Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body: “I’m feeling helpless and frightened.”

• In general, try to begin feeling statements with “I”, rather than “you.” Try to avoid the crutch of saying “I feel like.” As in “I feel like you are being mean to me.”

Breaking Free: Activity #21 - Controlling Fear

List one fear that has been controlling your life.

Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, “I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it.”

Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.

Breaking Free: Activity #22 - Integrity

Choose one area in which you have been out of integrity.

Identify your fear that keeps you from telling the truth or doing the right thing.

Reveal this situation to a safe person. Then go and tell the truth or do what you have to do to make the situation right. Tell yourself you can handle it.

Since telling the truth may create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone involved will survive this crisis.