No More Mr. Nice Guy (book)

No More Mr. Nice Guy is a self-help book written by Dr. Robert A. Glover, first published in 2003 by Running Press. The book focuses on self-improvement for men, particularly those who identify as "Nice Guys." Glover, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explores the reasons behind the Nice Guy Syndrome and provides practical solutions for men seeking to improve their relationships, personal growth, and overall well-being.

Overview

No More Mr. Nice Guy discusses the challenges faced by men who identify as "Nice Guys." These men tend to prioritize the needs of others above their own and avoid confrontation or expressing their true feelings. According to Glover, this behavior can lead to issues in relationships, career, and personal growth. In the book, Glover offers guidance for men seeking to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and develop healthier, more authentic relationships.

"Nice Guy Syndrome"

"The Nice Guy Syndrome" revolves around a shared issue that several men face in their relationships and personal lives. They all describe themselves as "nice guys" and believe that if they act "good" and do everything "right," they will be loved, have their needs met, and live a problem-free life. However, their lives don't turn out as they expect, often leading to unmet needs and unfulfilled relationships.

The chapter opens with Jason, a chiropractor who prides himself on being a nice guy and avoiding conflict at all costs. Despite his efforts to be a good husband and father, he feels underappreciated and unloved by his wife, Heather.

Various other men are introduced, including Omar, who struggles to connect emotionally despite his efforts to please his girlfriend; Todd, who can't understand why his respect and kindness towards women don't lead to romantic relationships; Bill, who constantly gives but rarely receives; Gary, who endures his wife's verbal abuse without complaint; Rick, a gay man trying to help his alcoholic partner; Lyle, a religious man battling sexual compulsions, and Jose, who feels trapped in a relationship with a needy partner.

Despite their efforts to be the 'Nice Guys', these men face dissatisfaction and disappointment in their relationships and personal lives. Their shared struggle, referred to as the "Nice Guy Syndrome," is the tendency to hide their flaws and feelings, do what they believe others want them to do, and sacrifice their needs in an attempt to avoid conflict and earn approval and love. The chapter highlights the pervasiveness of this syndrome and its detrimental effects.

Origins of the Nice Guy Syndrome

Glover attributes the development of the Nice Guy Syndrome to various factors, including early childhood experiences, social conditioning, and cultural influences. These experiences often lead to the belief that being nice and avoiding confrontation will earn love, approval, and success. However, Glover argues that this mindset can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, feelings of resentment, and unfulfilling relationships.

Characteristics of Nice Guy Syndrome

1. Generosity: Nice Guys are givers, believing this will make people love and appreciate them.
2. Fixing and Caretaking: They try to solve or fix situations without being asked.
3. Seeking Approval: They constantly seek validation and approval, particularly from women.
4. Conflict Avoidance: To keep their world smooth, Nice Guys avoid situations that could cause conflict.
5. Hiding Flaws: Fearing criticism or abandonment, they hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
6. Seeking Perfection: They believe in finding the "right" way to do things to avoid any problems.
7. Repressing Feelings: Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than express their feelings.
8. Differentiating from Fathers: Many strive to be different from their fathers, particularly if they had negative experiences with them.
9. Comfort with Women: They often relate better to women than men and have few male friends.
10. Deprioritizing Their Needs: Nice Guys usually put others' needs before their own.
11. Emotional Centering on Partners: They often make their partners their emotional center, believing their happiness depends on their partner's happiness.

"Nice Guys aren't so nice". Here are some common but unfavorable "Nice Guy" traits:

1. Dishonesty: Nice Guys often hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, and repress feelings to say what others want to hear.
2. Secretiveness: They hide potentially upsetting information due to their desire for approval.
3. Compartmentalization: They can justify contradictory behavior by compartmentalizing it.
4. Manipulation: Difficulty in asserting their needs directly often leads them to resort to manipulation.
5. Controlling: They try to control people and situations to maintain a smooth personal world.
6. Conditional Giving: Their generosity often comes with unspoken expectations, leading to resentment when not met.
7. Passive-Aggressiveness: Frustration and resentment are expressed indirectly, causing relationship issues.
8. Repressed Rage: Lifelong resentment can lead to sudden, inappropriate outbursts of anger.
9. Addictive Behavior: Used to relieve stress, alter moods, or medicate pain, this includes sexual compulsiveness.
10. Difficulty Setting Boundaries: They struggle to assert their boundaries, often feeling like victims.
11. Isolation: Despite their desire for affection, their behaviors can deter close relationships.
12. Fixation on Fixing Others: A desire to appear good and gain approval drives them to "rescue" people or situations.
13. Relationship Struggles: They may choose "projects" as partners, blaming them when the expected changes don't occur.
14. Sexual Issues: Despite denials, many have sexual dissatisfaction, dysfunction, or engage in inappropriate sexual behavior.
15. Limited Success: Many are moderately successful but fail to achieve their full potential due to their Nice Guy syndrome.

The "Integrated Male"

The journey from being a "Nice Guy" to an "Integrated Male" is not about transitioning from extreme niceness to becoming a "jerk." Instead, it's about becoming "integrated," or accepting and embracing all facets of oneself. An integrated man appreciates his unique male qualities such as power, assertiveness, courage, passion, imperfections, and mistakes.

An integrated male possesses many of the following attributes:

● He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.

● He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.

● He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.

● He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.

● He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.

● He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.

● He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.

● He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.

An integrated male doesn't strive to be perfect or gain the approval of others. Instead he accepts himself just as he is, warts and all. An integrated male accepts that he is perfectly imperfect.

Breaking Free Activities

To break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome, Glover suggests that men must recognize and challenge their limiting beliefs and develop new strategies for personal growth. He provides practical tools and exercises to help men confront their fears, communicate more assertively, and prioritize self-care.

The complete text of Glover's Breaking Free Activities can be found here or as a PDF.

Reception and impact

No More Mr. Nice Guy has received widespread acclaim for its insightful analysis of the Nice Guy Syndrome and practical advice for self-improvement. The book has been praised for its effectiveness in helping men develop healthier relationship patterns and achieve personal and professional success. Some critics, however, argue that the book promotes traditional gender roles and does not adequately address the needs of men who do not fit the Nice Guy stereotype.

Further reading

Glover has written several follow-up books and articles on the topic of the Nice Guy Syndrome, and he continues to conduct workshops and offer coaching services to help men overcome this pattern of behavior. His work has had a significant impact on the self-help industry and has inspired countless men to challenge their limiting beliefs and pursue personal growth.